Wow.

Maybe I shouldn't write when I'm cranky.

In my defense, I hardly ever yell at my kids. And when I do, I apologize and ask my kids to forgive me, which is why Noelle said what she did. When they get in trouble and I need to convince them they are not "horrible" or "the worst" as they weep that they are, I use myself as an example of someone who they love and who loves them, but who sometimes makes bad choices. Maybe that kind of humility with your children is a tactical error, and I may regret it later down the road, but for now it helps me put them back together again when they're brokenhearted.

I'm not keeping this blog to make my character or my life look perfect. It's not as crazy as the picture I painted last night, but we definitely have unraveled moments. I love my children, my husband, and my Father in Heaven. I think the Spirit abides in my home more often than not. My daughters love each other more than they fight. Ours is a good, good life.

Every now and then, though, cranky wins, and I'm going to be real about it. :)

P.S. Also, I never say friggin' in real life.

Caution: Writer is not feeling cheerful.

I don't like to write when I'm cranky. But since this cranky cloud has lingered longer than I'd like, I'm faced with two options. I could continue to hide in my room, watching Gilmore Girls and crocheting, or I could let our family history include me in all my cranky glory.

In the name of authenticity, I chose the latter. Like I've said, someday when my daughters have a lovely mother who never yells or says crap or goes through the drive-thru without getting anything for them they will marvel she was once the woman who wrote these blog posts. I'll be like our own friggin' family miracle.

This morning I was cranky as I got the kids ready for church. I came down the stairs with the baby to find multiple infractions of family rules. I was not happy about it. I sent one child to her room for one offense, then set another one cleaning her offense off the carpet. I yelled at all of them, because that's what I do when I'm cranky, and told them their choices were totally not okay.

Huh. Ironic, that last one.

Then I saw it. An apple on the carpet. An apple that probably cost almost a whole dollar because friggin' produce costs a fortune right now and the cheap apples are mealy. An apple that had two or three half-hearted nibbles out of it. Like the owner of the teeth was sitting there thinking, I usually love apples but ... I don't know, right now I'm not really feeling the apple thing, but I'm waaaaay too comfortable on the couch I'm not supposed to be eating on so I'm definitely not going to take it back to the kitchen, and Mom will be here any minute so if I just chuck it on the floor she'll see it and throw a tantrum like she taught me to do while she takes the apple to the kitchen and I'll probably get yelled at but it's easier than having to get up off the couch and do it myself. Perfect. Also this last bite has lost its savor while I sat here thinking all that so I should probably spit it out. On the couch.

And I lost it.

I yelled at Eve for wasting her apple, which made her cry, which meant I needed to give her a friggin' hug or the weeping would last longer. And I was mid-lecture about how we don't waste food in our family and how I need her to make better choices when Noelle's little voice piped up from the kitchen table.

"We forgive you, Mom."

Oh, kid, those were the wrong words at the wrong moment.

"WHAT?" I turned on her. "You forgive me for WHAT??"

"For making bad choices." She answered in a calm, I-believe-I'll-have-the-salmon kind of voice.

"Oh for the-- what are y-- you've got to be kidding m-- THAT'S IT!!"

I threw my hands up in the air and started cleaning something on the floor, I can't even remember what it was. Probably friggin' apple chunks. All I remember is looking up when Eldon came out of the kitchen and walked toward the couch with his face contorted out of control from trying not to laugh. In that precise moment I saw the ridiculous hilarity of the situation and my behavior and I laughed. Eldon, relieved I'm sure, let out his hysterical laughter too and the cloud of rage that had been smothering the living room dissipated.

He still hasn't stopped telling me every hour or so that he forgives me for my bad choices. I don't know how long the joke will last. Probably forever.

Here are some pictures of my friggin' kids.

Not you, Brooke ... you're perfect. Here, have some of Mommy's diet coke. It doesn't taste as good as the caffeinated kind, but it does the trick.

Oh, and does it look like Eve took scissors to her shirt? That's weird. Oh, you know, I think that's exactly when she did. Around the same time Noelle cut up the fitted sheet on her bed and Chiara cut a chunk off the hooded towel I sewed for her to use in her "explorer kit."

 Those were my very favorite sheets.